Miranda: Admitting defeat–temporarily?
In January, I blogged on the push-pull conflict of deciding when to push hard, and when to be “realistic.” Being a type-A, superwoman wannabe, I generally believe that pushing myself hard is my best path to success. 
But now, for the moment, I may have to admit that life is handing me such a large plateful that I might not be able to meet my weekly objectives, regardless of how hard I push. (And in fact, pushing myself may be the last thing I need right now.)
I’ve been trying to pare down and organize my workload in anticipation of maternity leave, with the hope of finding a bit more breathing room. But I’ve been totally distracted: My family has been hit unusually hard by the sore throat/wracking cough/fever virus, which seems to hang on forever. I got it myself last Wednesday evening, and I’m still in the trenches. On top of all that, some mysterious health issues resulted in spending the better part of two days last week at the ER, having all kinds of tests that a pregnant woman would like to avoid. Bottom line is I’m pretty healthy, aside from this nasty virus, but I need to reduce my workload and focus on staying healthy. A lot easier said than done. How do you do less when you’re used to doing (nearly) everything? And how do you do less when your house is on the market and you have to stage the house for showings? How do you do less when you already have four kids and are about to have another? How do you do less when you really wanted to finish your book before the baby comes, but you’re only on page 160? How do you do less when you’re terrified of not doing what you set out to do?
I realize that at a certain point, doing less is something that arrives, not something you opt for. I’ve been trying to finish chapter three for nearly a month–and making snail-like progress at best. So in that sense, I am already doing less. But that doesn’t feel so great when it’s not a conscious choice.
What should I opt for now? Keep on trying, with the mindset of taking advantage of any small opportunity that comes my way? Or give up on my weekly goals and the objective of having a nearly complete draft before the end of April–and instead, focus on my health and well-being, as well as my family’s? Or just give in temporarily, and see where things are at in a few weeks–even though this may add to the pressure?
What would you do?
Studio Mothers: Life & Art 
I’m in the same boat myself to a degree. I have so much I want to get accomplished before baby #2 makes his appearance, but in order to accomplish MY goals, I have to put everything else that’s important to me last right now–including time with my 19 month old and my husband.
Luckily, we haven’t been hit hard by anything more severe than an allergy attack around here. And I don’t have a job outside the home. In that respect, I admire what you’re able to accomplish every day because I doubt I’d last five minutes in your shoes.
But as for the writing, I think you should give yourself a break. Along with a fixation on Elvis, right as I finished up my novel, I also saw the movie The Muse–with Sharon Stone. It’s not exactly the film for all ages, but the Muse did have a good suggestion for writers. Stop writing, take a break, enjoy the world, get some more energy and some perspective, and find the joy in the process again. I’d give you that advice myself if some Hollywood writer hadn’t come up with it first. 🙂
I’m so happy to hear that we’re allowed to take a break, for whatever reason. And Miranda, I’m so sorry yours came due to health issues with you and your family.
Brittany, what you said resonated with me because I’m just NOT wanting to write right now, and feel like I should just do ONE more chapter. The last chapter I turned in was on the elements of weather, and this next chapter, 70% done, is essentially a continuation of the previous one; hurricanes, tornadoes, and thunderstorms. It would make things even, and everything is all still fresh in my mind, but I don’t waaaaaaant toooooooooo.
Wow guys, we are all in the same boat!!! You have no idea how comforting that is. Maybe there is just some creative malaise in the air that’s affecting us all.
Miranda, I’m a very all-or-nothing person, so for me, “quitting” tends to work best for me. In the back of my mind, of course, I’m certain that it’s only temporary. But it’s refreshing in a strange way to rebel and say, “HA! No, I QUIT! You can’t make me!” I’m weird, I know. LOL
Since I “quit” recently (following deadline burnout and our own sickness), I’ve been enjoying my kids a lot more. I’ve found that I don’t “need” to be creative to be a good mother, or at least that channeling my creativity elsewhere – in my case, trying to solve a problem with my son that I suspect is sensory processing disorder – allows me to be a good mother in other ways.
I’m thinking, too, that this is my subconscious’ way of preparing me for the stress of a move. I know I won’t be writing then, and since we’re talking about my freelancing full-time when we first land in SC, I may not be writing much fiction at all for quite awhile. (I hope that won’t be the case, but you never know.) I wonder if it is the same for you?
So, my advice is to quit “for good,” but that’s based on me and my personality and what has worked for me in the past. I hope you figure out a solution for YOU. Hugs hon!
I have sooooo been there! While trying to get pregnant with my second, I was working a very demanding full time career that involved travel and a long commute. During the weeks that I was not traveling out of state, I’d still leave for work before my daughter was awake and return about a half hour before she went to bed. My health began to suffer. I had two miscarriages, and I figured out the hard way that, for my sake and the sake of my family, something had to give, so I quit my job.
I guess I was lucky to be in a position to be able to make that decision, but taking a step back from my career in higher education was a huge adjustment for me. On the plus side, I had more time for my family and was able to finally (with much bedrest and medical attention) carry a second pregnancy to term. On the down side, I had always defined myself by my concretely measurable career success, and adjusting to not working full time caused me to go into self-identity crisis.
Eventually, I used it as an opportunity to explore my creativity. I started focusing more seriously on my writing, and I am rediscovering a side of myself that had been temporarily buried under the mountain of my career.
Will I ever return to my career in higher education? Maybe. In the mean time though, I am giving myself permission to prioritize being a mother and a writer.
That being said, I do still have a tendency to do the Type-A impression of superwoman and overschedule myself with too many projects. I am an elected public official for the village in which I live. I run a scholarship program for college students. The list goes on. Maybe we never completely slow down, but evaluating our priorities once in a while and giving ourselves permission to shift them when needed is an important part of maintaining our physical and mental health.
Hi. Lisa Damian turned me on to this blog just yesterday.
I can’t believe you are having a 5th child, writing a novel and selling your home. (I’m sure there’s more I don’t know.)
In 2007, my family (me, husband, child) moved from California to Illinois, bought a house, and six months later my husband lost his job. He got a new job in Texas, and we moved again.
We were opening boxes from the Cali-Ill move specifically to stage the house. Once it sold, everything went back into boxes. It was heart breaking, stressful and possibly the worst time of my life. I almost had a nervous breakdown the day before we left the house for good.
I don’t know how you are keeping it clean for viewers with 4 kids. I had a heart attack with just one.
As for advice: in this course I am taking, we are dealing with being super productive people with lots of ideas and projects we want to accomplish. The advice was – pick one thing and do it well, and the others will fall into place (or be done later). Try to do it all at once and you end up with mediocre results.
Why not put the novel away and just jot down notes when you have ideas? Take care of yourself and your family now. Get healthy, get organized for when the baby comes. Once the birth milestone is achieved, you will be ready to go back to the book and will have the mental space to do it.
Not the most favored advice to hear, admittedly, and I didn’t like it much myself. But I chose between several things I was working on and I have produced more essays in the past month than I have in the past 6.
Thanks for all the responses and support, guys. I can’t say I’m back in the saddle yet, as the virus is still clinging on with talon feet, and now I’m on antibiotics for an ear infection. Meanwhile, just when I wanted to curl into a little ball yesterday, had to stage for another showing.
I’m with you on the quitting, Christa–at least in theory. I have “quit” once or twice over “creative differences”–with myself! Seriously, don’t laugh. Those were times when I had to admit that if no one was ever going to read and appreciate my work, then it wasn’t worth it. This admission made my artistic principles seem sort of tainted, so I “quit.” But, obviously, I “re-hired myself” at some point because I can’t help but write, even though I do attach certain aspirations to the activity.
I can also understand taking a hiatus when the muse makes herself scarce and no attempt to jump-start the process seems to work. But right now, it’s not that I don’t know how to work OR that I don’t want to. It’s more like I’m looking at the process through a wrapping-paper tube. It’s just too far away, and my head is too cloudy.
My dear work colleague (who I sometimes call my assistant, although that seems far too small a title for her scope of work and the fact that she could easily take over MY job) suggested that I just take off through the weekend to get back on my feet health-wise. At that point, I may be able to enact a plan (with her help) to offload enough client work that I really can spend a bit of time on the book. I like this idea a lot–and it buys me more time! So, I’m going to rest as much as possible and see how things look on Sunday.
Great to “see” you Linda–hope you’ll post again!
I feel like i’ve just walked into a room of old friends having just been on a holiday with a bunch of strangers. at last, people with my problems! thanks for the invite Miranda, and if it suits everyone, i’ll bring along a bottle of wine, put on my Abba CD and kick back with you girls for a while.
I’m a mum of two from Dublin, Ireland – one is 2 and the other is 9 months… yes i know, i’ve told my husband he’s not allowed to even pass me on the stairs for another year…
I gave up my high-octane job after I had Daisy, and despite loving being her mum, i morphed from being the workaholic Iron Lady to the housework weary Ironing Lady. so I began to write. ironically having kids has allowed me to fulfill my lifetime ambition of being a writer. I now write regularly for parenting magazines (although that makes me sound like a full-blown freelancer – the reality is i write when they sleep, and when i can’t sleep) and am attempting my first novel (note the optimistic use of ‘first’!).
Some days… most days.. I feel like a piece of my daughters’ playdo – uber elasticated for easy pulling in every direction, and maleable enough to morph into different shapes when the demand requires – mum, wife, cleaner, cook, writer, daughter, friend, mum, secretary, engineer, mum, daughter-in-law, mum, neighbour, houseworker, shopper, planner, mum, hugger, play friend, teacher, ……. me?
Every second of every day has a specific task dedicated to it – the nano-second my babes are down for their lunchtime nap (my greatest achievement was getting them to sleep at the same time!) I’m at my computer writing until the first squeak on the monitor pulls me back to the day job.
My novel takes a back seat so much of the time, it might as well be in the car behind. my mum and my husband tell me to slow down, and calm down, and sit down, and MOST IRRITATINGLY OF ALL tell me not to push myself with the book. I need to rest. Yes i do. but i can’t rest for needing to write another line. i have to get off chapter 5 for god’s sake – it’s been 3 months!
I have the same angel / devil on my shoulder arguements as you Miranda – shoud I rest and forget the burning (more like smouldering) passion in me, or do I plough ahead and write the damn thing. Every day when i’m beyond myself with exhaustion after another interrupted night (we’ve all been sick pretty much without break since the week before Christmas) and I look enthusiastically at the computer but gaze longingly at the sofa, I can hear Oscar Wilde sidle up to me and whisper his famous quip: “The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of one’s trousers to the seat of one’s chair.”
Anyway, I’ve turned into one of those irritating people who turn up at a party and hog the floor. Just wanted to say I’d love to join your group, i understand, empathise, and share your struggle and hope we can all get a few words written in the next wee while. Every little helps….
Welcome, Alana! You’re not hogging the floor. (That’s what this blog is FOR!) I have a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old and struggle with exactly the same thing – computer vs. couch (and often vs. 4-year-old, who doesn’t nap and needs Mama time when his brother is napping). Raising little kids takes a tremendous amount of mental energy, and it doesn’t help when you hear about super-moms who DO manage to write bestsellers while their lives are (seemingly?) more difficult than ours…
Anyway, looking forward to hearing more from you!
Give in.
Honestly, want to know why I haven’t posted here in WEEKS? Yep, work, life, sickness and just giving in to the whole Life Is Crazy Now Let It Go thing.
And hey, I’m in a new phase called, lowering the bar. 😉