Miranda: Help! Something awful is happening
OK, so I’m gaining momentum. A lot of momentum. My 150 pages of material are really turning into something viable. The first few chapters are readable drafts. I’m networking like mad, developing my third wave of interviewees, with success. I’m reading books that are feeding my writing. I’m revising a short story I wrote last year to submit in the Iowa contest. Even this blog is gaining traction–yesterday was our best traffic day yet with 62 page views. (Not bad for a blog that’s just over two weeks old.)
But here’s the thing. The more involved I am in my creative life, and the more sure-footed my efforts become, the more resentful I am of my day job. (I mentioned in a comment to Lisa’s post below that I’m prone to resentment, an unattractive trait.) I know, boo hoo–I have to work, like most everyone else–and I’m one of the lucky ones; I run my own business, don’t work full-time, and I set my own hours working mainly from home. Plus, my work is tangentially related to my creative life, and I make good money at what I do. I really have nothing to complain about. Most importantly, not working is not an option, so I need to make the best of it.
But there it is, every day I wake up and start getting grumpy about the fact that I have to work, doing things that are useful and appreciated by my clients, but aren’t my life’s calling. I dread working. True, at the moment I’m dealing with some unusually unrewarding client work, which is pretty stressful. But obsessing about not wanting to work, and focusing on the current unpleasantness, is tainting the creative time that I do have. My resentment is putting me in a funk, when instead I should be grateful for my flexible work situation, focused on my progress, and excited about where things are headed. Not sure how to snap out of it. I don’t have much time left if I’m going to finish this book before May, and I can’t fritter away my energy in negativity like this. Plus, I’m likely to start resenting my family next. (Especially since they’re all sick at the moment.)
Has anyone else dealt with this before? Maybe someone should just smack me and tell me to get a grip and toss the tiara. Suggestions heartily appreciated.
Studio Mothers: Life & Art 
Miranda, my solution for what to do when negativity overwhelms me is to write it all out in my journal. In the course of really getting to the “what’s bugging me” core I usually either find a few ideas for solutions or I make peace with the situation. Without my journal I’d be so lost!
What I’d probably do is write out the problem(s) and all possible solutions I can think of. I’d also explore what may be behind all the stress, if it’s something fixable, and explore ways of modifying life to help ease that.
It also may be you aren’t taking enough time for yourself, so you’re resenting things more. Taking a few moments out to meditate (or just sit and not think) every day is another way to de-stress and center. It’s also a great idea to schedule something fun just for you, to break out of the rut even just for a little while.
What is your day job, by the way? I’d be interested to know.
Lisa
That’s a good idea, I should “journal out” feeling crappy. Maybe after I’m done whining I’ll come up with something concrete. I used to meditate too, even just for 10 minutes at a time, but at the moment it’s damn near impossible to sneak off for even a short amount of time without worrying about interruption. (Does that sound as pathetic as I think it does?) Let’s just say my zafu is dusty, and I have no shortage of excuses.
You might be right, I’m not exactly taking it easy right now, but I figure “indulging” in so much creativity should count as time for myself. Shouldn’t it? I need to ponder that one. I’m not that good at “recreation.” I’m usually happiest when I’m being productive (which does leave one prone to burnout).
Maybe if I put my client work in a real box, and tell myself that task X is only going to take an hour, then watch the clock and get it done, I’ll feel less like the stuff I don’t like is taking over. Then again, I should be working right now, as I’m sitting here at the library with my laptop (my house is full up with a sick husband, a sick teenager, a coughing toddler on antibiotics, a visiting toddler also coughing but as yet unmedicated, and one hopefully health babysitter) but I dropped what I was doing in a heartbeat to respond to your comment instead. Hard to stay disciplined at the moment.
Re my day job: I’m a freelance writer and editor. (If you click on my avatar it will take you to my website.) Even though I don’t always love the work, I have some wonderful long-term client relationships, and it is certainly true that 12 years or so of professional writing and editing has certainly helped my creative writing skills. (Or at least, that’s what I like to tell myself.)
I get resentful when my paying work interferes with my fiction. I would LOVE to make all my money off my fiction, but it’s not happening (yet) – so while I do enjoy my work, it does get very frustrating to have a bunch of editing projects sitting on my desk while an idea for a story eats at my brain.
I too think of “me” time as creative writing time. I scoff at the idea that a shower or bath alone should be “enough.” LOL Maybe it is for some moms, but it just isn’t for me. That’s why I’m striving to get those 20-30 minutes per day to write fiction. It is the only thing that recharges my batteries, makes me feel like dealing with the human race.
One professional novelist I knew of set aside a “busman’s holiday” during her work week, a day when she worked on the novel she *really* wanted to write as opposed to the one she was contracted to write. The “holiday” novel turned out to be one of her most successful. This wouldn’t work for me, but I think largely because I don’t write fiction for a living. I find I have to switch gears between my nonfiction work and my fiction projects, and that can take a lot of energy in one day!
If I may dare to add a comment (not being a blogger) about having to do what one doesn’t want to do and feeling overwhelmed with resentment: when I was in a similar place (back before I retired to whatever, whenever) I found that my frustration lessened to the degree I was disciplined about setting and showing up to use time for doing my own stuff. For me, the time was usually after work in the evening. During my day job, when I felt the old resentment creeping in, I let my mind shift to thoughts of the ‘me time’ I would have later in the day. That kept me going, and kept me positive. I felt as if I had found my own secret to life – while everyone else played politics in the office, (and sounded as if the JOB was the thing), I kept myself one step removed. I knew I would be doing what really mattered later on. This is just a thought. For me, frustration comes from fear that I won’t find the time to do what I want. When the time is a routine, the frustration diminishes.
Oh I hear you Miranda! Do I ever! My “day job” doesn’t really fit in the writing category at all (some days a little)… so it drains my emotionally and physically for the good writing time I do get (and it’s limited with 2 kids). The only thing that I have done to improve both moods, is to start my day with what I love (writing). Even if it is just in a journal, or a short blog post. Sometimes, it even makes the day job more tolerable. 😉 Good luck!
Bethany, you read my mind. As I was mulling things over today, I thought back to a period several years ago when I was really satisfied with my creative “schedule.” I would write from 9:00-11:00 every day and THEN do client work. The premise being that the client work wouldn’t really suffer, because no one but me is creating this pressure to turn every request around at lightning speed–and that if you do the important thing first, then it’s done–and you can feel good all day knowing that you DID it (rather than hoping for 15 measly minutes left over at the end of the day). I need to try this again, even if it is only an hour on each of my three days of babysitting.