Bethany: Ah-Ha Moments
I’ve been sitting on this novel outline for months. Picking away at the plot when I had nothing better to do–and blathering on about how I should be writing it. And then that’s when it hit me. I was That Writer. The one blathering and not putting in the time to write it.
Once I came to that realization, I figured I might as well hunker down and figure out the bigger deal–why wasn’t I writing that novel? Pounding out blog posts, book reviews, and my day job writing projects weren’t causing me issues… why this? Aside from the trama in my life, I had been waiting to write this novel for the past year and now that the time was right, why wasn’t my brain letting me get to it?
The answer was amazingly simple. I was afraid. See, I lost an agent this year. Not under bad circumstances mind you, but I lost one nonetheless. And if you know anything about publishing, this crushes any writer. Especially a new one like me. One who’s first novel didn’t sell. One who needs this novel to get back on the market–now for an agent AND a publisher.
At first it seems easy–all that pressure was causing me to lock up. Or the new baby. The holidays? How about the recent deaths in the family?
Nope.
It was the fact that way back when my agent did mention leaving, she sent the first 100 pages of this one (rough, rough draft mind you) to a friend… hoping she would help me out. She prompty said no. And, honestly, that hurt more than my agent leaving.
But that seemingly bad circumstance made me rethink the concept and start anew. Totally new. And even revamp my process. I started outlining. Writing bits of dialogue. Rethinking plot points. Thirty-five plus pages later into this “outline” I stalled out. Afraid that I couldn’t do the plot justice. I couldn’t pull off this new, better book. Fearful that when I re-approached that new agent (again) she’d shoot me down AGAIN. And then where would that lead me?
I suppose right where I am now–not writing. And that really isn’t a way to keep working toward a dream is it? And that in and of itself is the Ah-Ha moment of the day. I’m proud to say, scene 1 of the book… now written. Scene 2? Waiting for the next 10 minutes of free time I have between dinner, children, diapers, and nursing. It’s ready to be written now.
Studio Mothers: Life & Art 