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Posts tagged ‘fear’

Feb 10

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Jenn: Tsunami – They’ve Got Nothing to do with Tides

The rough draft of Chapter 9 – Tsunami is done. I had an out of town visitor Fri/Sat, which chipped away at time I would have spent working, but it was nice to have a break. I just wrote to my friend Sue, “I think I keep myself on this rigid schedule because otherwise inertia would set in and I’d throw in the towel. Right now it’s a coin toss as to which is going to win.” My goal was to get the first nine chapters, the solid earth disasters, finished, then switch gears and polish them, add figures, tables, and photos, and get them to my editor. So this week and next, I’ll begin these arduous tasks as I switch caps from writer to critical editor.

Now the fear is creeping in.

What if my editor reads my sample chapter and says, “I’m sorry, this just isn’t what we’re looking for?” My dad is drawing figures, my students are working fast and furious. My mom has done SO much babysitting. I’ve, as they say, made my intentions VERY public. I’ve asked high-profile colleagues to write the foreword and introduction, and they’ve agreed. Am I up to this? Am I crazy for thinking I’m competent enough to do this? I’m not saying this at ALL to solicit “you can do it’s.” That is lovely and reassuring and all, but in the end, it’s the editor’s choice as to whether or not I can “do it.”

I’m PETRIFIED to turn the sample chapter in. What if it’s rejected? They have no money into me yet, so they could easily walk away. I’ve never published a book before. Ahhh! I guess i just fling myself in and see.

Anyway, mission accomplished so far, so that’s something?

Jan 29

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Bethany: Ah-Ha Moments

I’ve been sitting on this novel outline for months. Picking away at the plot when I had nothing better to do–and blathering on about how I should be writing it.  And then that’s when it hit me.  I was That Writer.  The one blathering and not putting in the time to write it.

Once I came to that realization, I figured I might as well hunker down and figure out the bigger deal–why wasn’t I writing that novel?  Pounding out blog posts, book reviews, and my day job writing projects weren’t causing me issues… why this?  Aside from the trama in my life, I had been waiting to write this novel for the past year and now that the time was right, why wasn’t my brain letting me get to it?

The answer was amazingly simple. I was afraid.  See, I lost an agent this year.  Not under bad circumstances mind you, but I lost one nonetheless.  And if you know anything about publishing, this crushes any writer.  Especially a new one like me. One who’s first novel didn’t sell. One who needs this novel to get back on the market–now for an agent AND a publisher.

At first it seems easy–all that pressure was causing me to lock up.  Or the new baby. The holidays?  How about the recent deaths in the family?

Nope.

It was the fact that way back when my agent did mention leaving, she sent the first 100 pages of this one (rough, rough draft mind you) to a friend… hoping she would help me out.  She prompty said no.  And, honestly, that hurt more than my agent leaving.

But that seemingly bad circumstance made me rethink the concept and start anew.  Totally new.  And even revamp my process.  I started outlining.  Writing bits of dialogue.  Rethinking plot points.  Thirty-five plus pages later into this “outline” I stalled out.  Afraid that I couldn’t do the plot justice. I couldn’t pull off this new, better book.  Fearful that when I re-approached that new agent (again) she’d shoot me down AGAIN. And then where would that lead me?

I suppose right where I am now–not writing. And that really isn’t a way to keep working toward a dream is it?  And that in and of itself is the Ah-Ha moment of the day.  I’m proud to say, scene 1 of the book… now written.  Scene 2?  Waiting for the next 10 minutes of free time I have between dinner, children, diapers, and nursing.  It’s ready to be written now.

Jan 2

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Christa: Goals, with anxiety to taste

I have a lot going on as the new year begins. I recently agreed to sign on as assistant editor of a brand-new horror magazine. I’ll be blogging at least twice a week for a startup regional parenting site… and perhaps contributing articles to its companion print magazine. I have existing clients with ongoing work. I have a personal blog that I try to write for at least once a week.

All this would probably be manageable if I didn’t also have a fledgling fiction career. At any given moment, I cannot figure out whether to work on my next novel, any one of half a dozen short stories (one of which is shaping up to be a long ‘un, maybe even a novella).

And then there are the boys.

I complained to my husband that I haven’t done any real writing since the baby started to walk. And now I have all this stuff going on. How to manage it all?

I’m open to suggestion. In the past, I’ve done freelance work by day and fiction by night, but that was when I had regular childcare and no baby. (Even at that, I could see childcare a.k.a. Grandma overwhelmed by both boys at once!) I’m thinking a different, more structured schedule is in order.

Hamlet has preschool three mornings a week. This should be my alone time with Puck, but without both boys competing for attention… it’s so tempting to work at least part of the time, perhaps a blog entry. Late afternoons, when the kids are bored and tired and need downtime, may work: I could pop in a video. But what of the never-easy-to-predict high-maintenance days, when both boys demand almost constant interaction? That I’ll just have to play by ear, like always.

And where does that leave fiction? Well, there’s the tricky part. Ideally I would devote 30 minutes per day to fiction, plus several hours on Saturday morning. This is easy when I’m in a groove, in the middle of a scene or story where I know what’s going to happen next. It’s not so easy, though, when I’m stalled–with more questions and doubts than ideas, and too many distractions to focus in such a short span of time. Not to mention competing freelance work.

So that one, again, I’ll have to play by ear. Most of all, I hope for balance. I’m never happy when I’m doing too much of either writing or mothering, but my sons are extroverts – they need interaction, and the “companionable silences” I treasure, working on something while they play nearby, may not be enough for them.

So, my challenge for the week: a schedule of some kind. Maybe even a week-to-week one. As for work, I need to complete one article edit and page proofs for the new magazine going out, and I need to catch up with some projects I’m managing for a client. Over the longer term (this month), I have another article edit and two articles to write. I’ll be busy… will I manage? Stay tuned!

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