Kerry: Excuses
Wow, isn’t it great being so pregnant…not really. The good thing, it’s almost over and I can meet my baby boy and get my body back. I can’t wait to bend over again. Picking up baby girl’s toys has become quite a chore.
I had a moment yesterday where I actually dug out my big sketch book and took out the oil pastels and stared at the colors…they smelled so good, and then I put them away… in a more convenient place of course. I told myself that baby girl would wake up any moment and I would barely get started, and the mess would not be worth the limited time, and I didn’t know what I wanted to do anyway. She slept in her playpen for about two and a half hours. Wasted time.
I spend so much time making excuses for not doing what I love, the biggest of which is no time and no space. But really, if I truly wanted to, couldn’t I make the time and the space? I battle myself over this constantly. I’m afraid I can’t get it back, that “flow,” that losing oneself in the art. The last time I tried to paint, there was nothing, just a sense of how much can I finish before baby girl wakes up? And I don’t like the painting. I was going through the motions. More excuses.
I think I need that studio space: a place to get messy and leave it all out if I have to. I suggested hiring someone to finish the basement room, and ironically, my husband spent a whole weekend day working on it. And then it stopped. Maybe he needs another nudge. Secondly, I need some dedicated time. My husband works evenings and is home most mornings, unless he can get overtime. We have discussed the option of him watching the baby so I can have some time. And he does, occasionally. I usually use that time for showers and cleaning, but I think my priorities must change if I want to preserve my sanity. I’m running out of time before baby number two arrives and I’ll look back on these days as filled with free moments (well, maybe).
Maybe I need to stop making excuses and do whatever I can to create. Use the kitchen table to paint on if I have to. Maybe it’s time to explore some new techniques…go really abstract…fast and furious, anything to get something new done. It might be worth a try. I might find inspiration there.
Studio Mothers: Life & Art 
Lisa G. arranged for the author Louise Limerick to come talk at our writers’ group one day during Louise’s U.S. tour. Her book, “Friends & Mothers” features an artist character who sets up a studio in a corner of her garage where she paints while the kids are playing around her.
I’m right there with you on the excuses. I’ve never pursued my fiction seriously before now, due to a thousand excuses, one of which was finding success in other areas of my life. Even the good things can distract from our creative outlets.
It sounds like you have the right idea keeping at it, making time wherever you can. There will never be any perfect moment, so we have to carve out any time we can. Hopefully, art will follow. We need to feed our craft if we want it to grow.
I struggle with this ALL. THE. TIME. Not just with fiction – with my paying work, too. “How much can I get done before…?” is a question that’s constantly on my mind. I’ve gotten to the point where I have a general idea of how much time such-and-so is going to take, but even then, I get anxious that I’ll have to stop halfway through to attend to a kid and then get sidetracked and totally lose where I was. It’s horrible!
I totally agree that a dedicated space, and dedicated time, is critical. I don’t have an office right now, and thus no boundaries between work time and kid time. (Not that I’d ever be able to get into my office.) Time is catch as catch can. Even evenings are not a given. My older boy has been really Mama-clingy lately, for one thing.
Sometimes you make excuses… and sometimes your situation really does make it difficult. You’re already thinking in terms of trying to change your own ideas of what “works,” rather than trying to force everything else to adapt to you – that’s most important! I have been most creative when I let go of preconceived notions of what it meant to be creative.
Ahhh, time. The question us mothers always have.
Let me just share my story–you can do what you want with it. I used to think I needed an hour or more to write. To focus. To get on my creative writer hat (I am a tech writer by day). And on occasion, when I was kidless, I managed to get that time. And I wrote.
Now 2 kids later, i write whenever I can spare 10 minutes. And sometimes that means the dishes don’t get done, I don’t shower, or dinner is late on the table.
Is this the right way to do it? I have no idea. I just know when I DIDN’T have kids I had all the time in the world. And I didn’t write. I can’t let any more time slip away from me. So I just grab a few minutes here and there and push along the best I can.
Thank you all for the kind words and bits of advice. I’m still feeling guilty for not taking advantage of every second of my day that might be free, but lately when baby girl takes a nap, all I can think is I’m so tired, I should sleep too. I guess these last couple of months of pregnancy are wearing me down more than I thought. I did dream of painting last night…does that count? I am thinking again, of projects, of art mediums to try that will clean up fast. Any day now I expect to jump right in with something. All of you are so inspiring, I can’t wait to find some motivation to begin.