Christa: The week behind, the week ahead
I shouldn’t have worried so much last week. The loose schedule Miranda suggested – kids by day, work at night – worked very well to boost my productivity. What had been happening was that I would get so anxious about all the stuff I had to get done that I would try to do it during the day. Then the kids would need me and I would be short with them. At night, still anxious, I would goof off. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Deciding that daytime would be for the kids, while night would be for work, was surprisingly effective. I still work a little during the day – I’m pathologically introverted, and I just can’t be “on” every moment, so I need little breaks to come on the computer – but I now decide what work I need to accomplish in the evening, and then I do it. I actually completed things pretty much on time!
The one thing I found tricky was that half-hour of fiction time in the evenings. Depending on how the day has gone with the kids, they might settle in nicely with Daddy… or not. One evening when I had more like 45 minutes, I chose to do the dishes with that time. I can’t figure out why, as it was a conscious choice between that and writing. I think part of it was that I wanted to drown the noise out for a little while, plus I didn’t feel like facing dishes the next morning. But really what I should have done was go upstairs and hide in my bedroom.
Still – I can’t help feeling guilty about that. Rain Dog has had a long day at work too, and when he’s not up for wrangling both kids by himself, I feel like I should be helping… even when I’m drained and out of kid ideas, too.
This week will see me continue to tweak that particular part of the daily routine. I got some great time on Saturday to finish one chapter in the new novel and start another. Those characters are coming together and I really want to spend more time with them. Additionally, I have a couple of short stories I want to finish and start submitting. We’ll see how that all goes.
As for freelance work, I have to finish page proofs for Shroud (they’re done; I just have to type them in). I need to get cracking on an article I’m writing that’s due February 1, along with an editing job and another project due the same day (all for the same magazine). So it will be a busy week, but I’m confident now that I can accomplish plenty.
Studio Mothers: Life & Art 
Congrats! So glad things are working for you. Reminds me of one of the women I’ve interviewed, Mary, a sculptor who moved toward beading and quilting after her daughter was born. For Mary, daytime is kid time: “I sort of treat my day as a work day in terms of structure. When I was working outside of the home I didn’t have time for creativity during the day, so it doesn’t seem like a loss. When Anna’s sleeping I’m paying bills, doing laundry, cleaning up, occasionally reading. I rarely do quilting or beading during the day.” Of course, Mary had left her day job and didn’t have client projects to fit in, like you do.
Also, for your guilt about Rain Dog’s daddy time–try to let that go a little. Remember that it’s good for him and the kids to have regular alone time together, on a daily basis–more than just a few hours at the playground on a Saturday. It’s good for their relationship, establishes him as a partner in primary parenting, and good for his daddy ego, even if he’s tired. Speaking of being tired, I don’t think ANY job, aside from perhaps straight manual labor or working in an urban ER is as utterly draining as being at home with two small children all day, especially in a remote area where you are pretty house-bound in winter. Lastly, if I’m not mistaken, once the kids are in bed, you’re starting your second shift–and Rain Dog has time for R&R. The setup looks to me like something to feel really good about, not languish in guilt.
Wondering how late you’re staying up at night working? Is your sleep taking a hit?
Miranda, the main reason I feel guilty is that like me, Rain Dog is an introvert… and as a teacher, the poor guy spends the entire day with people. Now, true, he gets “alone” time on his commute home… but as someone who has had a similar commute, I know this is often way more stressful than either of us would like it to be!
Also, our evenings together are pretty hit or miss. The kids are up, one kid is down while the other is up… all depending on whether they napped, or if the baby napped too late in the day, or if the older one gets to bed even 10 minutes late! It’s really crazy trying to keep everything absolutely coordinated just so we can get some down time. Then half the time he falls asleep anyway. 😦
It’s sort of a catch-22 because I feel like I “should” be more there for him, but I have no energy left either. I guess I am just going to have to bite the bullet on that one!
As for late nights, it’s not too much of a big deal. If I’m really short on sleep, I don’t work. I try to do that once a week. But it also partly depends on how much I have and when my deadlines are!
This reminds me that one of the hardest things to deal with is irregularity. You MIGHT have a good stretch of time in the evening (kids asleep) or you might not (kids awake). It’s so hard when you can’t really count on anything, because you can’t adjust your expectations. It’s sometimes easier just to know you can’t have what you want, rather than continually hoping and then getting shot down. (Kind of like, on a much smaller scale, continually wishing one’s spouse would make the bed. OK, it’s not going to happen, it’s just my job, not his–and since it matters to me and not him, that’s probably fair. If by some freak accident he makes the bed, then bonus. But so much better off to just stop hoping.)
Your plan of not working during the day makes sense, because you can’t end up disappointed (if you end up with an opportunity to work, it’s just a happy windfall). But to have day AND evening both in the iffy category–that is TOUGH. It probably won’t make you feel better (and I hate it when people say stuff like this to me) but it really will get easier. Eventually your kids will sleep better, and then they’ll be in school. Not that you want to fast forward through the good things you’re enjoying now, but maybe it helps to say “I’m just going to do the best I can, and keep one eye on the light at the end of the tunnel…?” This is really difficult when you’re driven and want to get things done NOW, not later. Not that you seem terribly frustrated by your situation anyway–it all seems to be working. Seriously, I admire you for how much you are able to accomplish given your circumstances. I think I’d be popping the Zoloft.
The only time it really gets frustrating is when we’re feeling the financial pinch. That’s when I get most “motivated” to work and the kids happen to be at their neediest!
I do try to take a longer view and remember that we’ve always had what we needed, when we really needed it. Also, the days when I’m under the gun, I’m trying to be better about communicating with Hamlet about my need to work. Generally this is OK, but I find instead of promising him we’ll do things afterward, it helps to do something with him beforehand, so he doesn’t feel like I’m constantly putting him off!
I am worn out just reading through your day, Christa. I honestly don’t know how you fit in all your freelancing AND your creative stuff on top of full-time care of the kids without popping an artery. I am starting to suspect that you wear blue long johns and that there’s a red cape hanging behind your door…
Miranda, I agree with your theory about putting away one’s expectations of regularity. I had to do that regarding my husband getting home from work before 8pm. I am done with setting him a place at the dinner table with us, and then watching the window and having to disappoint the kids. Now, if he’s home at 8pm, that’s fine. I expected that. If he’s home before, then that’s even better, but kind of a surprise for us all. My evenings are much less stressful now that I’ve let that go.
Hey Christa, how’s it going? You’ve been quiet over there…and no posts on your main blog either (http://freelancemother.blogspot.com), so I’m thinking either your silence is great news, and you’re too busy being creative to blog, or bad news, you haven’t had a moment to even brush your hair…