So happy! Babygirl slept for like a whole hour in her playpen and I actually spent that time working on art. It wasn’t so bad. I’m experimenting with pastels on paper, and haven’t quite found what I’m looking for, but at least it’s a start. While I was digging out the pastels, I came across some watercolors I was once working on. Now, watercolor is not really my thing, I like oils, but when I was expecting Babygirl, I had to find another medium because the oils and associated thinners are extremely toxic and can be absorbed through the skin. So I checked out a book from the library and started playing around in watercolor. Mostly I made a mess, but I wonder if I can remember anything. It might be fun to try that again.
Mostly, I can’t seem to get my mind away from finding a bigger house. Maybe I’m doing that nesting thing, and with new baby coming soon, and no place to put him, I can’t help but dream of more bedrooms. So, I’m being positive and looking online at larger houses, although really we don’t have enough time to move before new baby comes, and I don’t think I could, being as pregnant as I am. Who wants that hassle on top of the backaches and heartburn? I can still dream.
And maybe tomorrow there will be time for art again, but I’ve decided that I have to stop feeling guilty about not dedicating more time to my creativity. I am a mother first, and there will be time again. It is what I love, so I have to believe that. Right now, it might be enough to rest when I can and dote on Babygirl before her little brother arrives. My children are, after all, my biggest and best creations.
Wow, isn’t it great being so pregnant…not really. The good thing, it’s almost over and I can meet my baby boy and get my body back. I can’t wait to bend over again. Picking up baby girl’s toys has become quite a chore.
I had a moment yesterday where I actually dug out my big sketch book and took out the oil pastels and stared at the colors…they smelled so good, and then I put them away… in a more convenient place of course. I told myself that baby girl would wake up any moment and I would barely get started, and the mess would not be worth the limited time, and I didn’t know what I wanted to do anyway. She slept in her playpen for about two and a half hours. Wasted time.
I spend so much time making excuses for not doing what I love, the biggest of which is no time and no space. But really, if I truly wanted to, couldn’t I make the time and the space? I battle myself over this constantly. I’m afraid I can’t get it back, that “flow,” that losing oneself in the art. The last time I tried to paint, there was nothing, just a sense of how much can I finish before baby girl wakes up? And I don’t like the painting. I was going through the motions. More excuses.
I think I need that studio space: a place to get messy and leave it all out if I have to. I suggested hiring someone to finish the basement room, and ironically, my husband spent a whole weekend day working on it. And then it stopped. Maybe he needs another nudge. Secondly, I need some dedicated time. My husband works evenings and is home most mornings, unless he can get overtime. We have discussed the option of him watching the baby so I can have some time. And he does, occasionally. I usually use that time for showers and cleaning, but I think my priorities must change if I want to preserve my sanity. I’m running out of time before baby number two arrives and I’ll look back on these days as filled with free moments (well, maybe).
Maybe I need to stop making excuses and do whatever I can to create. Use the kitchen table to paint on if I have to. Maybe it’s time to explore some new techniques…go really abstract…fast and furious, anything to get something new done. It might be worth a try. I might find inspiration there.